Dear Chris Evans...

Dear Chris Evans, top dj at BBC Radio 2

Last year I created THE WORLD'S SMALLEST PIRATE RADIO STATION, and 'broadcast' my programmes from inside the boat. It was lots of fun, and raised £147 for the Royal British Legion by listeners paying for their favourite song to be played.

But to be frank, as my old teachers at school used to say 'Neil tried hard, but could do better'.

Did you know, Chris, apart from us both being disc jockies, we have a few more things in common?

We both have a boat. Admittedly, yours cost a little more than mine, as mine was FREE!

We both have Italian classics. You have Ferraris, and I have an old Fiat with a bit of rust

We both have played golf. You at Sunningdale, and me on top of the boat


We both write. You've done two books, read by millions, and I do this 'ere blog, read by dozens

The reason I'm writing is to ask if I could come to your BBC studio and watch, listen and learn from you, the Master of Radio. PLEASE!

I promise to be good and quiet and not get in the way.

Some Pictures For Paul And Yvonne...

Rubber car mats cut in half to prevent squeaks when the boards are down

Bi-fold door to cabin

Increase the headroom by lowering the floor, using ply tiles cut to fit the bilge

Nice and private when cabin door is closed 

Door to the loo, cut in half so as to take up less space to get past in the kitchen

The loo with library

Rear view out to the Colne

The captain's seat was removed to give more seating space

Rear deck, using B&Q decking boards

A removable central board for access to bilge

New Stocks Required

My new cyber-mates Paul and Yvonne, who own Tempest lV - another TEAL just like my Boat For My Potplants, asked for some pictures of my rear deck. So I've just nipped down with my camera in order to oblige.

While snapping away I put on the hifi and pondered whether it might sound even better with some old Bose speakers my sister gave me. They are lurking in the back of the garage and it's only fair to give them a try.

But before all that, I have to get on my hands and knees with a bucket and sponge and mop up the bilge. I'd forgotten to close up the canopy and with a few downpours we've had recently I have some work to do.

It's Sunday morning, and nobody was about. Whilst on the boat I had an urge to make myself some breakfast, but to my utmost shock and horror, I discovered that I had NO BAKED BEANS on board. Only Tesco tinned curry and Uncle Ben's rice, which I didn't really fancy at eight in the morning.

So at ten o'clock I'll be off to Aldi to stock up. I know how to live it up.

Crumbs! Not A Bad Day!

'And Take A Deep Sigh...' Come on, let's go!

Well, it's all been river-related, but I didn't actually manage to get to The Boat For My Potplants to mess about with some new speakers. Maybe tomorrow. I never got round to try out the Bose speakers given to me by my sister Emma and her man Charlie, but I will make it my mission to do so just as soon as I can. You never know - it could sound brilliant.

On the canoe

'Look out the window and take a deep sigh'. (the lyrics to a song in my heart). 'Come on Jane, let's go', I said, early this morning. We went out on the canoe. She loved it. I loved it. It was lovely.

Then, there was the run alongside the river. I didn't run - she did. But I kept her company riding alongside with the best bike known to mankind, kindly given to me by Claire (she was the Olympic flame bearer in Saffron Walden last year, and triathlon extraorodinaire).

After that I was sent out for some milk from the farm shop. Being so nearby to Alresford, I couldn't resist but call in with Alphonso 2nd (my old 1968 Fiat) to see our mates Ian and Sue, who live there. Ian FORCED me to drive his beautiful MG up the road and back. I couldn't say no. It was a 'wow' experience that I will remember for a long, long time.

Claire's bike

Back in time for a great 'music extravaganza' at Geoff and Trish's, who live by the river. What fun, involving drinking wine and beer and having the craic together - six blokes sitting around and playing music tracks with the volume on eleven. Wonderful.

Alphonso 2nd

Ian's beauty

Wanted...

We Have Twins

Tempest lV

A Boat For My Potplants

Tempest lV

A Boat For My Potplants

Thanks to the power of the Internet, the recent article about My Boat For My Potplants in Motor Boats Monthly, and of course my Oscar award-winning (in my dreams) YouTube video (to the right on this 'ere blogsite), something wonderful has happened...

I was contacted out of the blue by a very nice man and his lady, Paul and Yvonne from Walton-on-Thames.

Like me, they had been searching for many many many hours for a boat the same as the one we each have. Not just one that looks a bit like it, but one that is undoubtedly the same.

And the boats have now found each other. All say 'Aaah'.

Los Amigos, aka A Boat For My Potplants, can now be reunited in spirit with its twin, Tempest 1V.

For me this is especially good news, because now I can confirm, without any hesitation, that my boat is definitely a TEAL. Paul and Yvonne have the original paperwork to prove it. EUREKAKAKA!

At first I thought it was a Norman, then a Callumcraft, then a Nauticus. But all along, Adi from the Norman Boat Appreciation Society (yes, there really is such an organisation) has been exploding at me 'IT'S A TEAL, IT'S A TEAL'.

I am ashamed that I ever doubted Adi's word, and I offer my humblest of apologies.

Adi, you were right all along.

Leaner and Fitter

The last time the Lovely 'Erindoors and I went down on to the Boat For My Potplants was a good few days ago - and that's a crime of the highest order - especially with this gorgeous weather we've been having recently. We've been just too damn busy - and I thought we came to Wivenhoe for a quiet life!

Artificials are best, aren't they?

Did you see? Last week we had the strangest formation of cloud above the boat ever. It was like looking at mountain peaks in the sky, and I'm sure I was sober.

However, the hot sun and sudden downpours have been causing havoc with the geraniums on the deck. They don't know whether to wither and die, or come on at a pace of knots.

I distinctly remember telling 'Erindoors that it would be best to have plastic artificials, instead of real things, but would she listen to reason? No way. She's got a mind of 'Erown, that girl has.

Canoe-Man Jon knows what's best

So much so that she's become fed up with being a boat-widow and has decided to go and get her own boat-extension...a canoe. And not just any old canoe - it's a Canadian Canoe that you sit up on, just like the one I went to Mersea Island with Canoe-Man Jon at five in the morning.

With his advice, she's gone off to get it right now, whilst leaving me here to make my own tea.

I hope she'll let me on for a paddle. It could be the beginnings of a new, leaner and fitter me.

The only thing is, where will I put the potplants?

Girls On Film

Behind the scenes at The Boat For My Potplants it has been that time once again to discuss, negotiate and agree on its mooring position with the Waterlords Of Wivenhoe.

It's not the sort of thing that I particularly like doing, but, hey ho, if I am to continue enjoying this beautiful spot, it has to be done.

To take my mind off it, and on to more pleasant thoughts, I look back to a few days ago.

Aah, that's better.

Only In Wivenhoe (Part Two)

Following on from a fun-packed day on the Boat For My Potplants, the Lovely 'Erindoors and I dashed home to change into something more formal.

We had been invited to a pop-up dinner party being held on Wivenhoe Pier.

It was surreal. We brought our own plates, cutlery, food and drink to share - and of course a chair to sit on.

The conversation flowed and so did the wine. The sun set. All was good.

Then at the weekend we took Tallulah, our recently acquired T-Reg (1978) Hymer on its inaugural trip. We went to Mersea Island, just a few miles away, and returned Sunday afternoon. Just as we were pulling up back at home, we were met by Nenah.

What perfect timing! Nenah was trundling her wares - excellent ice-cream - on an old bicycle.

All this can only go in in Wivenhoe.

Only In Wivenhoe (Part One)

Muddy feet make muddy deck

Following the Regatta, I thought I'd better get down to the Boat For My Potplants and conduct a major clear-up operation. Not only did we have a man (actually a lady) overboard into the mud, resulting in much mud being brought on to the deck, we also sank (with the help of Canoe-Man Jon) a kedging anchor (I believe that's what it's called). So now my starboard stern line is secure. Hey, listen to me being all nautical now. I would

Canoe Man Jon says 'pass me down that anchor'

have said "back right rope" a year or so ago - but now I'm all educated.

5am and the clear-up operation commences

Lucien's new companion (right) needs a name

So on the morning after the day before, I awoke at 5am due to the heat and bright sunshine. I pondered for a moment in bed as to what to do, and then decided there was no time like the present. Off I went, cleaning cloths and bin-bags in my grasp. I finished the task two hours later, and rewarded myself with an on-board cuppa whilst gazing at the river and listening to the very loud squawkings of the local wildlife. BLISS.

Of course, as it was Sunday, at midday the British Legion opened its doors. It would have been rude of me not to have a couple of Bloody Marys (* see footnote).

And Lucien was presented with a companion (** see second footnote) by Rob, who had bought the as yet unnamed sailor from one of the Regatta stalls for me.

Thanks, Rob. We can now pass the Victoria Police badge to its new temporary owner.

First footnote (*)...What's the correct plural for more than one Bloody Mary? Is it Marys, Maries, or Mary's?

Second footnote (**)... But we need a name for him. Any suggestions?

Abandon Boat!

It was a Regatta Day to surpass all others. The crowd gathered and it was a mighty big one, encouraged by the wonderful weather. The sail-past of some beautiful boats was stunning. The races were fun to watch.

Our mate Simon triumphantly held his winning trophy aloft - and somehow managed to muster up enough energy to go on to perform a magnificent set at The Station in the evening.

Funnily enough, my Boat For My Potplants became a sought-after venue, as soon as the word had gotten out that free drinks were on board.

Before long, there were eight or so guests on the rear deck, soaking up the sun. From my viewpoint in the galley I noticed we were tilting at a somewhat strange angle.

'Rob', I said. 'Can you lean over the back and make sure we're not sinking.'

'We are', said Rob. 'The water's coming in.'

'Right. Can everybody move to the front and get off please', I asked politely.

Nobody moved.

'I mean, NOW', I commanded, in a Captain sort-of-way. Full of authority.

That did it. No nonsense while I'm in charge.

The boat righted itself.  The day was saved, and so were we. And I was also saved from the embarrassment of having to explain how I sunk a boat whilst still in its mooring.

Phew. That was a close call
.

Simon at The Station

Regatta Day Is Here In Wivenhoe

Gotta get up, gotta get out, it's early in the morning and Regatta day is here.

What if I'm late, got a big date. There was a time I'd be dancing till a quarter to ten. Gotta get home before the sun comes up.

Up and away, Got a BIG DAY.

Down by the quay.

Amongst the great characters that make up this wonderful place.

Why Does It Take So Long...?

Question: Why, oh why, does it take so long to go such a short distance?

Answer: Because this is WIVENHOE, of course!

The Lovely 'Erindoors had been asked to make some bunting in readiness for the Regatta this coming Saturday. We set off to deliver it by hand to Graham and Lesley. The walk along from our place to theirs is only a few hundred yards by the riverside, and such a distance anywhere else would have taken three, maybe four, minutes at most.




But here the journey is fraught with danger. The danger of stopping to chat to anyone and everyone along the way.

By the Wet Dock. 'Hello there'. Along The Folly. 'Hello there'. Past The Quay. 'Hello there'. Outside The Rose And Crown. 'Hello there. Fancy a drink?'. 

Then we were alongside my Boat For My Potplants, and of course we had to stop by and plant the new geraniums.

Next to the Nottage Museum and near the Royal British Legion. 'Hello there'. Then on past our mates Rob and Sion's. 'Hello there. Glass of wine?' 

An hour later and the bunting is finally delivered.

No wonder I never get anything done around here.

Meet Captain Lucien

Fresh back from our holiday, we recall with great pleasure our meeting with Cliff and Liz from Down Under. Of course I couldn't miss an opportunity to tell them all about my Boat For My Potplants, and when I did, I was presented with a genuine Victoria Police badge (Liz is a cop) to be kept somewhere on board. Try as I might, I couldn't think where to put it.

The following day we went to a Vide Grenier (car-boot sale). I couldn't resist buying the Captain for a euro. I asked the seller what the Captain's name was. She thought for a moment, scratched her head, clearly thinking 'zees English are zo crazy' and came up with "Lucien".

And it dawned upon me that Captain Lucien can wear the badge, with pride and honour, on The Boat For My Potplants.

It all sounds a bit mad, but then dafter things have been known to happen at sea.

Straight To It

What a wonderful 'holiday' was had, if that's the right word for it. More like a 'living in France experience', but frustrating to not have access to a local WHSmith in order to pick up the July issue of Motor Boats Monthly and see myself in it.

I know, I know, it's all about me, me, me, and I feel ever so slightly embarrassed - but what the heck...we only get a few moments of fame so we may as well play to it, eh?

So, at the Calais Eurotunnel I made a dash to the shop, searched amongst the rack, and there it blinkin-well was.

I wanted to parade around and shout to anyone who would listen "Hey, man, that's me here on the cover".

Good sense prevailed and I whispered a few words to the Lovely 'Erindoors instead.